deep sigh

i've noticed, i always come back here when life is challenging me and pushing me to limits. the first month of 2024 has been especially brutal and more than anything i’ve been brutal to myself, unforgiving, not ready to learn, improve, scared to restart, scared of rejection.

something a small as a play, with honestly maybe other than a bad grade doesn't really affect me much in the grand scheme of life. something about being made to restart again and again is very unsettling especially when you see others speed ahead, constantly comparing, and critiquing.

it’s quite ironic, that now when i’m in a curriculum that doesn’t promote unhealthy competition and rather encourages collaboration and peer interaction; that i’ve begun to compare myself to everyone and everything. taking every win too seriously and every loss.

recently i told casually conversationally told my flatmate, aye your work turned out so much better, it seems like you’re one step ahead of me. she turned and looked me dead in the eye and said, don’t start that with us, don’t compare our works and if i’m a level above you for this assignment; i’ll pull you up with me.

learning some sense of equilibrium might be the biggest 2024 win for me, how to not take myself so seriously while battling with this constant fear of how i’m being perceived by others vs how i want to be. my younger, now suddenly wiser sister keeps reminding me to and i quote “calm the fuck down”, repeatedly trying to make me understand that you worry and work over what you can control and that’s all you do. what you can control is in your power and then rest will work out as it should, often based on your efforts. this tiny little human i half-raised is giving me good? advice.

it’s in these moments i truly appreciate the girlhood i’ve been blessed with, the ability to rely on these people in my dark moments and for them to do the same. a quick call across continents to a friend when i’m feeling homesick and her doing the same while making a meal. it’s in these moments that i understand the unbelievable value of unconditional platonic love.

it’s been a rocky start to the year and it took me a while to sit down and actually finish this. while i’ve been doing better mostly now, there's always an off day here and there. it’s nice to look back on what caused me to spiral three months ago and realise that it truly did not matter.

hope you’ve had a lovely three months of 2024 and i’ve they've been anything like mine, i hope they only get better haha.

love you 🌟🤟🏽